How to build confidence

because let's be honest we all have days when we just don't feel it

It sounds so easy, doesn't it? Just be confident. Show them what you've got. Kick some a**! The reality, however… isn't always that clear and straightforward. Have you ever felt like you have no idea how to tackle whichever challenge was in front of you? Like you're not really qualified for a project you were offered and maybe even ended up denying the opportunity?

Well, here's the good news: you're not alone. And it's not just you and me, either. We ALL have those off days. A couple of weeks ago I participated in a workshop where one of the statistics showed that over 90% of people have felt or regularly feel insecure, unqualified, or dumb. I mean, just take a moment to let that sink in - over 90% of highly qualified, smart, ambitious people feel like they're not qualified enough, not smart enough, just not enough. Isn’t that wild?

And, yes, that number totally includes me. As an example - A few years back I was supporting a client in a separation project. She was leading a workstream on the project as well as managing her business as usual so I ended up performing a lot of the project work (considering that, you know, she already had a full-time job). About halfway through the project, our country teams were required to hold a big presentation on progress so far, next steps, risks, the works. We were presenting to the global team - consisting of both client leadership as well as the leadership team on our side - and my workstream lead was going to hold our presentation. We had done all the prep work, she had done a trial run, and all good and ready for the big day! Or so we thought.

The morning of the presentation, she called in sick - she had caught a bad bug from one of her kids and there was no way she was going to make the presentation. Our local project lead took one look at me and decided, that that was no issue since I could just take over. At that point, I was maybe a year and a bit into my career - so this was HUGE. I had about two hours to prepare before our presentation started and (worst comes to worst) I had to kick off the whole thing. I did not feel ready. Or prepared. Or in the least bit qualified to do this.

I disappeared into one of our little privacy cubbies for the next two hours and went over the presentation about 237 times. When the time came, my knees were shaking (I had made the bad decision of using a standing desk but my mic was on and it was too late to change now), and my voice was shaking, but thankfully as I got into the presentation I managed to do what I learned to do as a theater kid - just ignore everyone else, BE who you are on stage and get through your bit. It ended up being a great presentation - and the best part was the messages I received afterward from both our local team as well as the global team telling me I had done a great job! Those messages I still have saved and look at whenever I need a bit of a pick-me-up.

Now to the great news though:

“Self-confidence can be learned, practiced, and mastered”

Barrie Davenport

For real, I'm not kidding you! Confidence is not a thing we learn once and then we're done with it and know how to do it always and forever (Sorry about that). Confidence is like a muscle we need to exercise daily for it to stay strong and grow. Practicing confidence and becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable enables us to have more of those other days, those days when we feel strong. When we feel like we can take on the entire world!

How to become more confident

So, what can we actually DO to become more confident? There's a multitude of strategies each of us can practice and easily implement in our daily lives in order to become more confident both for specific tasks that intimidate us as in our life in general - and some of them we're implementing already without even realizing!

• Expand your comfort zone:

  Generally, we are confident doing things that we know we are good at, that we regularly practice and where we know of any eventuality and how to handle those. In other words, we are confident in our so-called Comfort Zone. However, right outside the Comfort Zone is our Learning Zone and this is where the magic happens. As soon as we move out of our comfort zone, we enter our learning zone. This is where we face unfamiliar situations but are enough in control to learn, to soak up everything new and grow. The goal is to get out of our comfort zone and into our Learning Zone often - every time we do, our Comfort Zone grows a little bit!

  You'll want to be careful though to not enter the Panic Zone – a dangerous area outside our learning zone, where the situation is so unfamiliar and potentially dangerous that our brain just shuts down completely.

• Make an Action Plan:

  Figure out which situations you aren't confident in and you can work out what exactly it is that worries you about them and put strategies in place that will help you to (1) Nonetheless do a great job and (2) Become more confident with them over time! Start by thinking through the steps, the eventualities, and what you can do to make yourself more comfortable.

• Prepare, Prepare, Prepare:

  Nerves and lack of confidence are best battled with preparation, preparation, preparation. Kind of like I did by going over the presentation I was going to hold 237 times. Learning Identifying potential causes for problems and developing strategies to deal with them should they come up; role-playing the situation with different outcomes: Definitely a bulletproof strategy that will calm our nerves and increase our confidence!

• Do it anyway:

  This is probably both the simplest and the hardest strategy you can use to become more confident and successful. The only thing it requires you is to do it anyway. Whether you feel like it or not, whether you think you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough – just do it anyway. This is more of a mindset game than anything else – next time you see an opportunity that you instinctively want to pass on because you feel underqualified, not good enough, or like there’s someone else who could do it better, take a deep breath, channel your inner Mel Robins, count 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 and DO. IT. ANYWAY! The best thing? As you're doing it (and doing it successfully, I'll bet!) you'll realize that actually, you've been ready to rock this all along!

Last, but not least, my absolute favorite: Your PRIDE List, Smile File, I-a-remarkable List, or whatever else you want to call it: Just like I still have those E-Mails from my team, you should document positive feedback as well as big and little achievements you've made throughout your career! Whether you have a wall of Post-its, saved E-Mails, a Google Keep List, or a Journal - it's a great tool to look at whenever we're having an off day or when we just need that extra kick.

What works for you? I'm always curious about other strategies people have used to become more confident!