Stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries
Last time we talked about how to set and start enforcing our boundaries. One of the most common reactions when first communicating your boundaries is to feel guilty about it, to feel uncomfortable communicating your boundaries or to cave the second someone starts questioning them. So today we'll talk about how to reduce that guilt and hopefully stand our ground. As the queen Nedra Glover Tawwab says: "Repeat after me: I deserve healthy boundaries in my relationships with others and myself. Boundaries are not mean and even if people don't like my boundaries, it doesn't mean I have done anything wrong"
You are not a horrible person for setting boundaries. Boundaries make you a better friend. Boundaries make you a healthier partner. Boundaries make you a happier person (and happy people always do better work than stressed and unhappy ones!).
Spoiler alert: It’s normal to feel guilty
It's incredibly normal and common to deal with discomfort or guilt during and after setting a boundary, especially when you're just starting to set and enforce your boundaries or those boundaries are new to and changing a relationship. However, none of that should be a reason not to do it. Obviously life is much more fun when we're happy and excited rather than feeling guilty or uncomfortable - however, by setting boundaries and sticking to them, we're also enabling ourselves to feel more positive feelings in the long run because we'll be less overwhelmed, stressed and unhappy. We'll be doing fewer things we really didn't ever want to be doing. What's more - I promise you'll feel less guilty the more practice you have setting and enforcing your boundaries. Both because you become more confident doing it (practice does make better after all) but also because the people around you will become used to your boundaries and will become better at respecting them.
People are likely to push back at first - try to ignore what you mentioned and continue to do what they want. They're likely to test your limits - sneak past them, attempt to do what they want without you noticing. That all sounds horrible - but they might not even realize what they’re doing. They’re just continuing the way you’ve been going for a long time and just like your boundaries are new to you, they need to learn them as well! They might question you and challenge the reason for your boundary or its validity in general. They might get defensive, taking what you said as an offense to their character or make excuses. However, at the end of it all, their reactions don't have anything to do with you but are a reflection of their own emotional maturity. You are responsible for yourself - not their reaction (you know, as long as we're not harming anyone, which our boundaries are very much not ;) ).
What to do when we’re being questioned?
What to do when someone does have an unhealthy reaction to you stating your boundaries? And unhealthy covers any of the above mentioned examples. Last time we talked boundaries, we talked about needing advance notice for travel, so let's stick to that example:
Restate your boundary: I need you to let me know x days in advance when we're expected to travel in order to organize childcare
What happens if they don't respect your boundary: Otherwise I am likely not able to fly in.
Follow through on that consequence. When initially discussing and setting your boundaries, make sure to include those consequences in the discussion. Make sure you're actually able and willing to follow through with the consequence.You've communicated that to your manager and they weren't happy. That's on them, not your fault or responsibility. What you're responsible for is YOUR reaction and resulting discomfort/guilt. So, what you can do is learn to manage your discomfort: Whether you need to feel your emotions in the moment, or you need to manage them, figure out what helps you come out of that emotion. I'd probably get lost in a good book if given the chance. You can call a friend, journal, express yourself through Music or Art - really, whatever helps you come out of that state of discomfort.
What we keep forgetting about is that by setting boundaries and talking about it, you're normalizing it for everyone around you. My manager just recently hit the nail in the head: “I used to always be available even on vacation - now I try not to do that, to also be a positive example, to show the team that they should do so as well.”
Your (junior) colleague see you and can follow your example - they'll feel empowered to set and enforce their own boundaries. We're all shaping the culture we operate in and each step we're taking can make a difference for ourselves, for someone else or for the entire company. So, rather than quietly dropping off on a Wednesday evening to go to Yoga, desperately hoping that no one needs anything, be loud about it. Share it. Tell people how excited you are for it. Be an example. People notice (in a good way).
Have you ever felt guilty for setting boundaries? How did you deal with it? I’d love to hear your experiences!