How to set boundaries (For real, this includes actual steps you can take)

You need to set boundaries - but How?

At this point, we've all heard it before: We need to set healthy boundaries in order to have a work-life balance that works for us, a fulfilling social life and a successful career. I've been guilty of telling people that myself - one of the first things I'd tell our New Joiners was that they needed to set boundaries to enable them to be successful in this career in the long-run rather than potentially burn out after the first few years. None of them ever asked a follow-up question (most likely because it was their first week on a new job and there was this random stranger who was now their assigned new best friend overwhelming them with a ton of information). While I hope that most of them still learned a bit from my download of everything I knew, I clearly missed a crucial step in the "setting boundaries" part of my speech. Because I never answered the real question: HOW. HOW to define, set and enforce boundaries. What do I ACTUALLY need to DO to set and enforce boundaries?

My story

Let's step back a bit before diving into it. My turning point on setting boundaries for myself was a very intense project that was (1) incredibly challenging but also (2) incredibly hard work. We had been working so many hours each week and had gotten to the point where we were all completely overwhelmed and overworked. My weekends were either spent trying to catch up on some sleep or trying to catch up on more work. I hadn't exercised, seen my friends or read a book in weeks.

 Doesn't sound like a sustainable situation? You're right, it really, truly wasn't. After the project ended and I had had some time to relax and reflect (and sleep for like 48 hours straight), it became clear to me was that this couldn't happen again. I loved my job, I loved the work I did but I couldn't do it at the expense of my physical and mental health. I had been living by what others wanted of me rather than what I wanted or needed for myself - A typical result of what happens when one doesn't have healthy boundaries.

At that point I had also heard it before - set boundaries. However, I didn't have any idea as to how to achieve that either, so, I started looking into it. Unfortunately the book "Set boundaries. Find peace" wasn't out at the time, but today it's my number one recommendation for anyone looking to set healthy boundaries in any relationship - whether it's with your work, your partner, parents, friends, the list goes on.

What ARE boundaries?

Now that we know we need, them, what ARE boundaries? The hero behind today's post and the author of "Set boundaries. Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab (I can't recommend this book highly enough!) defines them as

"A way to communicate your needs to others via words and actions. They are also perimeters that we establish with ourselves and others."

In other words, boundaries are the limits of how far we are willing to go and what we are willing to do.

Step 1: Define your boundaries

The first step in order to set boundaries is to figure out WHAT boundaries we want to set: Be clear about what you need, how you want to show up and what you are and are not willing to do. We're focusing on work here, but you can apply this pretty universally to any relationship. It's time to sit down and draw up a list of your boundaries - rework that initial list as often as you like until what you have feels right for you.

What makes this even more difficult is that our boundaries shouldn't be either too rigid or too weak - I can set myself a boundary such as "I will NEVER work on a weekend". That may work for many people but is honestly an unrealistic expectation for my work. So, my boundary for weekend work is "I do not work on a weekend unless it's an absolute necessity and on my own terms". Obviously that raises the question of what makes an absolute necessity - and I do have some rules of thumb but mostly it is a case by case evaluation. If it's sufficient if I do the work on Monday morning then that's what I'll do.

If I notice I've been consistently working on weekends for weeks, something is clearly not working. Either I'm failing to enforce my boundaries, or my boundaries haven't been strong enough from the beginning. In either case, back to the drawing board I go to reevaluate my boundary.

Now, after some self-reflection, we've come up with a list of boundaries we need to set for ourselves and others for a healthy relationship with our work. Great! Step 1 - check.

Step 2: Enforcing our boundaries

If you’re leading a team

Now that you have set your boundaries, it's time to enforce them - and that starts with making people aware of your boundaries - and be confident about them, which let's be honest, is  a lot harder than it sounds. However, no matter where you are in your career, you can be an example of setting healthy boundaries. It's a lot easier to communicate your boundaries and be an example to your team than it is to be a teammember trying to implement your boundaries when no one else seems to be. If you're are leading a team in any sense of the word, sit down with your team and have a conversation about boundaries and expectations. Even better, be an example of implementing YOUR boundaries. If you're always taking 1.5 hours at lunch to go for a run, read a book or go skiing in the neighboring skiing area (hey, who am I to know what your neighborhood looks like) - then implement that with confidence. Be offline for that 1.5 hours. It'll show them that it is also alright for them to implement THEIR boundaries. Of course, that also means you respect their boundaries - if they've told you they're always putting their child to sleep between 6 and 8pm, then give them that time and don't expect them to respond during that time.

If you’re a member of a team

If we do not have a manager who takes the time to set up meetings like that, you are completely within your rights to set up that meeting yourself. Put a call on their calendar, tell them you'd like to discuss expectations for working together and go from there - you don't have to jump right into boundaries, either. Start by discussing their expectations in regards to quality, how you'll be working together, how you want to give and receive feedback and make your boundaries a natural part of the discussion. If you have a child that you're taking to school every morning, then make that part of the discussion. If you're usually hiking in the mountains over the weekends and don't have access to the internet, talk about it.

Especially when we're just starting to set boundaries, we tend to not be very confident in our boundaries or even feel guilty about setting them. So, when stating your boundaries, make it like my high-school English teacher told me: KISS. Keep It Short and Simple. If you start rambling, you're opening yourself up to being questioned or people might miss your point entirely. Take a deep breath and go right ahead: One more thing I wanted you to be aware of is that I always have Yoga on a Wednesday evening so I'll be out of the office a little early. Done. Please be aware that if we're required to travel I'll need advance notice of at least x days, since I'll need to organize childcare for my son. That's it. Perfect!

Well, alright, it doesn't quite end there. Most likely something will come up sooner or later that encroaches on your boundaries. You're not willing or able to make an exception to your boundaries so you need to stand your ground - and that doesn't mean you're being mean, that doesn't mean you're being bitchy. You can say no and still be kind about it. Suggest alternatives that would work for you, if that makes you more comfortable. Do your best to stand your ground without overexplaining. I'll be over here in my corner cheering you on!

There's so much more still to be said about boundaries - so, to be continued! I'm really curious to hear about your experiences regarding setting & affirming your boundaries! What worked for you? What did you do when your boundaries weren't respected?